Today’s topic gets right at the heart of what it means to be foundationally sound with who you are. This is a critical component to being able to claim health and ease in your life. I hope you have either wrestled with this one already or are up to tackling this challenge in your life by beginning today!
Do you have a personality-driven life? I did at one time. I still struggle with the human urge to create a personality in my life. I have had to learn the difference between identity and personality. That was one of the most pivotal moments in my life. Many years ago, I worked with my coach, a few close friends, and my wife to help me through that transitional phase that led me to much more freedom because I shed the lie of personality. It took me about 3 years to be comfortable being my true self. I had let go of my past “created self” and be secure of my new, real, me. The thing is, the “new” me was really me all along. I had just covered it up with self-created nonsense.
So, do you live your life identity or personality driven?
First, let’s discuss personality.
I once heard a person say that, “personality is simply your pattern of responses to various stimuli.” To use Wolfram Alpha’s definition, “The complex of all the attributes – behavioral, temperamental, emotional and mental – that characterize an individual.” Your personality is not you. Your personality is how you “act.” You can and will change your personality during your life.
Think of an actor playing a role in a play. Successful actors must adopt a persona of the character they are portraying on stage. That is an assumed personality – a persona if you will. They are acting like the character they are portraying. The actor’s character is not their identity. I read an interview of a very famous actor in the 1990s. He was performing at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC and the character he was playing was himself. He stated that the role was the most difficult he had ever had to play and was causing him to drink excessively because he did not know who he was. How telling is that? An actor couldn’t even be himself because he didn’t know who he was.
Do you know who you are? Or, do you play a role in your life’s grand production as you continually try and be the person you think you should be? Or worse, the person others think you should be.
Consider for a moment our culture. The societal shifts that have happened from social media, instant gratification, 30-second commercials, painkillers, video games where you can respawn with no penalty, and so much more, has created a tremendously shallow society often crafted on fakery. The problems aren’t only a lack of depth, but a lack of connection with purpose for an individual’s life. Let’s apply this to you few highly educated individuals.
You have accumulated a mass of knowledge. I have no doubt that the generations of people living today are more educated and knowledgeable than ever before in our world’s history. The breadth of information available today is expansive. Why is it that people know so much, but many of don’t have a clue about who they are? What do people really want out of life? What is their calling? Do they know their “why”?
This brings us to identity.
Your identity is the essence of who you are. It may morph slightly during your lifetime, but will largely remain unchanged. You can cover up your identity with a personality that is unhealthy. That stinks because you are living in a state of contradiction. The longer you cling to this fabricated model of yourself, the more distant you become from yourself. Depression, emotional swings, a continual quest for answers becomes your modus operandi, and the propagation of self-defeating behaviors emerges.
If you have a personality-driven life. You are faking it. You are doing everyone a disservice. Most importantly, you are doing yourself harm. If you are living a personality-driven life, you may be clinging to ideas you have seen modeled from a stage, a mentor, a parent, friend or created on your own. Acting a way you think you should act means you are bound to fail. Gimmicks don’t have long legs. Gimmicks wear out quickly. It isn’t the “thing” you are doing that is critical. It is the reason you are doing it that matters.
Your identity is timeless and beautiful. Your identity is genuine. Your identity attracts long-term devoted relationships. Have you ever met someone who is really comfortable with who they are? You like being near them. Their agenda is vastly different than a persona’s agenda. I want to say that a personality can be very attractive and even seductive. It sure can! This is the attractions of pornography, Hollywood, and stardom. People can manipulate others into liking them. This will always pass. Genuine people make you want to be a better version of you. They don’t want to be like them. They want you to be you! I want to be you and shed your own incongruent stuff of you are carrying it around.
Your identity is composed of what drives you, your principles, core values, and philosophy – the essence of your being. You then filter it all through your moral standards. If you believe in God, you must further examine all of your decisions with what God says about you! On a personal note, this exercise has made the most significant impact on my life. If you don’t believe in God, it becomes even more challenging because you are left with the impossible task of creating all of these standards on your own. Yikes! Regardless of your spiritual walk, this is a deliberate and challenging process. In no way is it quick or straightforward. It is very intentional and riddled with traps that your ego sets to convince you that you are something you aren’t.
Your identity is sacred.
Don’t abandon something so precious and meaningful as your identity for a personality you craft, like MacGyver fashioning a few sticks, duct tape, fishing line, and wild blueberries into a helicopter. While it might look cool on TV, it is preposterous.
It is time to move into the JOY of life where you are FREE to be you in all your dorkiness, splendor, and quirks. Your identity can help usher in healing for those you live and work with and motivate them to allow their own identity to emerge. The people you are around can find the same healing you have discovered. At least you will be a living example that it is possible. Here is a note from someone we will call Bob I received two years ago. Bob was under my care from age 11 until he went to college. He comes from a VERY wealthy family.
…thank you for being willing to call me out on my behavior when I was 13. No one, and I mean no one, had ever talked to me that way. You said something like, “Don’t ever talk to your mother that way. She does everything she can to provide you with everything you have. She deserves your respect, and you will give it to her while you are in my office.” Honestly, I wanted to punch you at the time. I also wanted to cry. I wanted to cry like a little boy who got in trouble and was thankful I did! You had that open practice, and everyone heard you scold me. There must have been 20 people there. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. But then you put your arm around my shoulder and took me to the adjusting table. You adjusted me like a father comforting his child and made all the pain go away. I was (and probably am) egotistical and privileged. My wife and I just had our first child. I told my dad (he says “hi” by the way) I wanted to raise my son the way you lived your life, Dr. Hawk. Thanks so much for being the man you are.
My old, personality-driven, self would not have been willing to take such a clear stand with young Will. It was because I was now clear about who I was as an individual, that I was able to cast that vision and expect him to follow in a congruent way.
How do you change? How do you move the needle from an adaptive personality to a genuine identity?
Your action steps at this point should be to find someone to push your buttons and hold you to a higher standard than you can keep yourself to. We are working together, that is my job. It is almost impossible to go this road alone. If you are married, your spouse should not be the sole person helping you. You need someone that you don’t live or sleep with to get under your skin. Not that he or she isn’t able or capable. The problem is that we tend to put up barriers and do not hear what our spouses are telling us due to our own ego because of our personality. Also, spouses tend to communicate with you in a different way than someone more distant will. That means we do not hear them as well as we can another person because of our filters. ESPECIALLY, when dealing with this exact issue!!! A pastor, spiritual leader, counselor, or older friend who is someone you trust, would make a good person to work with as an accountability partner. I actually surround myself with 3 men. I gave them the right to call me on my stuff without my petty retaliatory urges. The men are not the guys I have over for dinner on a regular basis. I didn’t want to be too comfortable with them and let our close friendship inhibit their ability to tell me straight-up what I need to hear.
This is the area I love to dig deep into and see what comes out. I only do identity-based chiropractic because of the profound impact it had on my life. The way I adjust you is always unique and based on how you present at that moment. Some of you have experienced changes that go way beyond less pain during adjustments. Expect that!!!
You should anticipate at least one year of work in this area regardless of who you work with. As I said, it took me 3 years to know I had moved past my crafted personality and was a new creation in my God-given identity.
All this being said, there are some of you can make remarkable changes overnight. Some of you are ripe for that instant shift. If that is you, amazing! Change and grow. Do it now and don’t wait another day. The world needs you to be you. Most of us don’t fall into that category.
Over the next month, I will be introducing some tools for you to use to refine your identity and shed that old personality.